I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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