Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Randomize
