Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize