I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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