nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
