I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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