Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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