There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize