Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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