I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
We left an ass print on the piano.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
