Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
