Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize