I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
