Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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