how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
