last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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