FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
