I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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