i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize