I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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