I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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