The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
