She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize