she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
