I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
