dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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