and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
