my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
