In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
