I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
we're so committed to being not committed
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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