I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
