I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
