i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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