Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize