Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
