Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
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