Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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