Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize