You just made me feel so damn special
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
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