my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
He better not be in your backpack
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
