he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
the liver wants what the liver wants
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
