there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
