You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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