either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
