Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Randomize
