Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
His nipple licking is glorious
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