So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
