he shaved USA in his pubs
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
