i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
