my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
