I think i sorta joined a cult last night
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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