my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
