As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
