I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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