just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
