and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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